Crap Jokes

I love them, as long as they're delivered by Chic Murray or Tommy Cooper. What's your favourite?

What's the point?

So, what's the point in blogging? Seriously, what's the fucking point in spewing your inner thoughts out into the blue nowhere? I'm only doing this cause i've just tanned a heroic amount of whisky! Drunk blogging, it's the future.

Mistaken Identity

I went down to the gym the other day for first time in a long time. 30minutes gone and all's well. I'm cycling away quite happily watching Bayern Munich vs Hamburg on one of the plasmas, when I realise there's this guy who keeps turning round and looking at me.

Let me paint the picture, the tvs are along one wall, then behind that there's a row of some machines that only weirdos and fat women use, then a row of treadmills, then a row of exercise bikes, that's all you need to know.

So I'm cycling away watching the football and this guy, who i'd put in his late 40's, is directly in my line of vision. Like I said he keeps turning round and looking at me. I just thought "he must think I'm looking at him, but I'm watching the tv, fuck it." Didn't think any thing else of it, finished my alotted time on the bike then moved on to the rowing machine.

Like I said it had been a while so i'm breathing out my arse by now, concentrating on my rowing, when I notice a fast approaching figure. It's him, starey man.

He marched straight up to me and with a wee nod of the head said "good luck for tomorrow"

Me "eh?"

Starey "all the best for tomorrow"

I kept on rowing and delivered my best "what you talking about you crazy fool" look, realising by now that he thinks I'm someone else.

Starey "it is you, isn't it?"

Now I'm thinking of course I'm me, always have been, but who did he think I was? Not someone he knows but someone he's seen before, someone he thinks he knows, someone famous maybe?

Starey "what's your name?"

Me, still rowing and trying to figure it out (not easy) "eh, Garfield"

Starey "oh I'm so sorry"

Me "don't worry about it, happens all the time"

Starey "I'm sorry" then a sharp exit, probably off home to tell the wife"aw no I've done it again"

I had a wee chuckle, then when i'd finished my rowing and went to get showered and changed.

I thought "if I see him, I'm going to have to ask, who did you think I was" because by now curiosity was starting to get the better of me, after all I've seen quite a few famous sports people down at my gym. But no luck, gone without a trace.

When I relayed the story to the burd she said "maybe he thought you were going you were going in for a pie eating competion and you know, was just wishing you luck!"

Just for fun, first peron to correctly identify the mystery footballer will get a link, if it's a girl I'll make sure its a pink one!

Ryder Cup

After correcting jaggy on a few golfing points I remembered that 37th Ryder Cup will be taking place this year, across the pond in Kentucky . I love the Ryder Cup, especially as Europe have won 6 out of the last 7 no mean feat when you consider that America always have the better golfers, luckily for us they're all up their own arses, apart from David Duvall, who in 2002 after defeat stayed up all night and partied with the European team, why? Because they were having a great time! Here's hoping we can make it 7 from 8. The title of this post is also a link to the official Ryder cup website where you can keep tabs on players points up untill the event, enjoy!

This Death Star Is Fully Operational

Got my tommy (pc) back from jaggy today after some much needed upgrading! No longer do I have to send the missus out to fetch the buckets of steam needed to keep the thing running.
One point i'd like to clear up though. The aforementioned jagster previously blogged "He wanted his computer fixed for free". Payment actually turned out to be his current malt whisky of the week and a free ticket to a top comedy show which he seemed to thoroughly enjoy. Now, when they get it wrong, even the tabloids issue an apology, usually tucked away on page 43 but there nonetheless. The truth is out there!

New Creature Found?

Whilst on the BBC website today I came across this article in which scientists claim to have caught this "extraordinary" creature on camera for the first time! This may well be true, but I can assure you tis is not the first time they have been sighted by mortal man. A few years ago a work collegue of mine, who we'll call Jaggy, told me a story about a strange creature he'd seen upon one of his many adventures, this guy's a real life Gulliver roaming the country in his 4x4, daring to set up home where no civilised man has gone before, and this guy know's nature, bet he could teach Terry Nutkins a thing or two about owl first aid! But boy do i owe him a huge apology! Oh how we mocked him, but here it is, hard proof of the lesser known, long eared brown Squibat!

Big Night Jitters?

Well folks i've been booked to perform a private halloween party, and i'd be lying if i said I wan't a little nervous. I know the guy who's hosting, and he loves me, thinks i'm hilarious, so I should be guaranteed a laugh, but you just never know! The thoughts of who's going to be there, their political views, what they deem as good or bad taste, and kids! Shit I hope there's no kids or that's half my act gone! This is starting to fuck up my sleep pattern, I need a good 8hours a day..........................and another 6 maybe at night, and that's me, i'm fine!